Is it possible to take a week off and regroup? I’ve come up against that ebb part of the ebb and flow of life and it’s really putting a damper on my desire to live out my mantra and focus on the positive things. I’m caught up with this discontent.
Let me just take a minute (or two, or three…)
I think I have a tendency to cope with grief by completely dissociating myself from it. When my nana whom I loved dearly (I was her little Princess) died, I didn’t shed a tear. She had Alzheimer’s and I convinced myself that she had died long before she breathed her last breath. My grandpa passed away this summer. Same situation. Alzheimer’s. Little emotion from my part. I was beginning to think it was the Alzheimer’s. However lately I feel the same way. Disassociated.
It’s an unsettling feeling, really. This particular situation is different, of course, because I am not donning all black to attend a funeral. Well okay, I do don black every other day when I rotate between my black and brown suit and today was a “throw-on-the-black-suit-jacket-and-out-the-door” day. And, in addition, you could also say that something has ceased to be. But it’s not a funeral. It’s just life. Each day. Some harder than others. Damn the hard days.
Anyway, dissociating. Perhaps because this situation is different, I am going about it in an entirely different way than with my Nana or grandpa. You see, I find myself rewriting my past rather than simply denying the present. Or maybe I’m just seeing it clearly for the first time. That’s the real thing that keeps me in this loop, I think. Did I miss something? You can’t have something be one way and another way all at once if they’re completely different ways. Can you?
Point is, I have lost some sort of joy in reminiscing. I think if I could say I was mad about anything, I choose that. Memories that were once precious to me hold no meaning. They’re not joyful. They don’t make my heart swell. They’re not depressing either. They’re just memories. They’re events that happened and they’re not happening anymore – almost as if they belong to someone else. And perhaps they do – to two people who got tangled up in something that isn’t. It’s an unsettling feeling.
It’s taken me longer to write but perhaps if you’re a fast reader, by now I’ve only taken seconds of your time and can keep my promise. By the time I post again, I’ll be back to being me. For now – what else could I leave you with but a song: “Wonderful World” James Morrison.