I want to do something that matters. Say something different.

I need one of those breathe-in-the-robust-scent-of-a-fresh-brew-while-I-warm-my-hands-on-my-favorite-mug-and-the-sun-warms-my-face kind of mornings again. Some time for myself. To collect my thoughts. Redirect my wayward wanderings and dedicate myself to my goals anew. I need some time for peace. For prayer.

When this transition period began, I prayed fervently, nearly filled with panic that my stubborn unwillingness to feel would rob me of needed growth. I prayed daily and repetitively: “Lord, break me down to build me up in You. Continue to break me down to build me up in You.”

I am struggling to find a way to put this into words, but this prayer is profound to me. Not that I think I’m profound for muttering it to myself again and again, but rather this uncalculated reliance on faith – summarized in words which were not conjured from some inner strength but rather a release of control in a time of confusion – this is profound to me. I don’t think I’ve ever embraced a prayer so honestly.

I mention this because I realized yesterday that I’ve stopped praying that prayer. I don’t know that it’s a bad thing. It’s a strange (albeit beautiful) sensation to feel pain in such a way that the best solution that occurs to you is to ask to be broken down further until you stand in a raw, unclouded state, hoping to find some truth or insight from your experiences that currently evade you. While it is powerful, it wouldn’t make for a very good state of being day in and day out. But I was a little disappointed to find that I had not naturally transitioned into praying a more positive version of this prayer. It’s like the song by David Crowder Band which implores: “Break my heart with the things that break yours. Break my heart and make it purer.” It’s just a good thing to keep in the forefront of your thoughts.

Now that I’ve recognized it, I can work to bring (a more upbeat version of) it back into my routine. I think it’ll be good for me; it has proven to be so already.

“I Was Here” Lady Antebellum <- This is one you should download/mark as your favorite/sing to yourself in the morning or when you need a pick-me-up. This is me – in a nutshell.

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