There is steam rolling off of the green tea in my Indiana mug. It’s luke warm by now but warmer still than the air outside. The tulips are in full bloom, soaking up the sun. It’s already 10:30am and I’m wondering where my morning went.
I have the last step of my undergraduate program taunting me, unfinished in my small pile of things to do. It’s mixed in with moving out of my aunt and uncle’s and moving back to Grand Rapids. Other than those few things, I’ve nothing more I need to do. I suppose moving to Grand Rapids isn’t even something that should be placed in that pile being as it’s a choice I’m making rather than an obligation I’m fulfilling. It’s a different feeling to have such a small number of things pressing down on me.
I go through bouts when I think I’m being foolish, taking off time for myself. I have no sense of entitlement. I know that I haven’t earned this. Sometimes I get caught up in thinking about the way others might perceive me. Childish. Immature. Spoiled. And maybe I am.
But if I need to be a little selfish to gather a sense of where I am going, I think that’s okay.
[Just now, a little squirrel climbed across the branches above me and slightly to my left. He looked down at me but didn’t chatter. We sort of just looked at one another.
I went back to my computer and next thing you know, there are little, slimy pieces of leaf falling down on my laptop. I look up and he’s right above me, eating, and looking down to see what I’m up to. Funny little creature. I hope he enjoyed his lunch.]
“Don’t Wait Too Long” Madeleine Peyroux – Great voice.
I’m feeling scattered today. I’ve stopped and started several different word streams, written and erased. I want to discover beauty today (random? lofty? absurd?) but I know I need to get that paper done. I’m wasting away time away not doing either. It’s a predicament that I hate finding myself in – when my desires and needs don’t meet up and rather than choose one path or another, I sit. This is very contrary to my desire to live purposefully each day. I think I’ll go to the library and find 1) research for my paper and 2) a book that contains something beautiful. No, I know that I will do that.
I read once in a Oprah magazine that some people have a very difficult time transitioning from one thing to the next. They prolong what they’re doing in the moment not because they fear change but find it difficult to part with one thing to begin another. It can go from grand-scale to the simplest things such as turning the water off in the shower, leaving the house to get to work, or putting down a good book to meet up with a friend. The activities they’re holding themselves from aren’t un-enjoyable but they require a ceasing of one thing to partake in another – and some people struggle with that minute or few it takes to switch gears. Anyway, I think I have that. I need to find that article again. I read it while I was in Cabo San Lucas but it was one of those things you read and think “Oh my gosh! I couldn’t have articulated it in this way but I have, at times, felt this very way!”
Enough prolonging. Get me to the library!
P.S. I found today’s song by chance and posted it before I had even listened to the lyrics because I love her voice. But it’s appropriate, no?