This damn paper.

This paper is the bane of my existence. Any joy that I feel is wiped completely from my slate when I begin researching, reading, or writing for this topic, FIN 48. I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a grapefruit spoon than spend my days working on this. That’s how passionately I hate this paper.

In addition to my raw distaste for FIN 48, everyone and their brother has come up with some sort of daily regimen to remind me of it, as if I had forgotten. No more. I am going to provide for you a list of things that I have deemed unacceptable when it comes to this topic:

  1. If you ask me what I’m doing for the day, you are not allowed to follow it up with “Your paper?!?” Oh, boy… Good one… You’re hilarious.
  2. You may not come into my physical space with a foot stomp or huff regarding my paper or the fact that my chosen task of the moment is not my paper. You throwing a hissy fit will not inspire me. It will, however, annoy me greatly causing me to mouth off to you in an attempt to divert your anger. It will also please me greatly to get your blood boiling as hot as my own.
  3. You may not tell me that I’m a disappointment for not completing my paper. If you are disappointed in me over a 25 page paper, we should stop speaking now. Because I will disappoint you much worse in life, I am sure. And your crushed spirit will not be able to handle blow after blow if you’re first thrown off-kilter by a writing assignment. Fortify yourself and find something better to be disappointed about.
  4. Similar to #1, you may not ask me about what I have done in my day and follow it up with any comment about my paper. If you ask me about my day, you should be genuinely interested in hearing my response. If not, I will mentally note your disinterest and ignore your next attempt at conversation with me.
  5. Finally, you may not nag me by employing any number of these examples or some of your own that you’ve come up with in your sick head. This includes contacting me via every form of communication which I use in my daily life in an attempt to bring up my paper to me (ie. texts, e-mails, phone calls, Facebook messages or posts, Tweets, or face-to-face). Do not wage war on me on multiple fronts. I will find you and I will smite you.

If after reading this, you have shaken your head at any number listed above in disbelief then allow me to first and foremost thank you. These tactics are not exaggerated in their retelling. They have the ability to wear down my nerves faster than a cheese grater through chèvre. Now if you are still inclined to mention this damn paper, let me help you help me. Got it? The following is a list of ways you may bring up my paper to me:

  1. Bribe me. This is one I just experienced. And I will say that this one is my favorite. Yes, bribery. Before you judge me, let me explain. My mom and I have started a tradition that involves choosing a cause once a year that we donate to as a mother-daughter duo. She typically matches what I choose to donate or gives 150% to 200% of my donation to the cause of my choice. This year, I’ve decided to give to an organization that a friend of mine avidly supports. She lost her best friend to cancer at age 21 and requested that in place of a graduation or birthday party, her friends and family donate to an organization which strives to find a cure for cancer (it’s an organization that her friend was passionate about): Stand Up To Cancer. Pretty cool, right? Well, my mom told me today that she’ll donate…once I finish my paper. I can be bought – for a good cause.
    1. Other versions include but are not limited to: Bribing me with your volunteering hours. A friend of mine has offered 10 hours of volunteer work at the organization of my choice if I complete my paper by a given date.
  2. Reward me or encourage me to reward myself. I have a friend who moved to Atlanta for the summer and wants me to visit. I am fully up for the trip, but I have set a goal in place that I must have my paper completed before I buy my plane ticket. That way, I’ll view my trip as a reward for its completion!
  3. Pray for me. Good old-fashioned prayer. Pray for some sort of motivation, inspiration, divine intervention, anything! You can tell me about it too if you’re being upbeat. If you’re going to have a tone of pity, just add me to your nightly list of prayers and God will send your love my way 🙂
  4. Shower me with cute encouraging phrases, verses, or quotations. This works because 1) They typically won’t have the word “paper” in them which causes me to involuntarily shudder and/or lose my lunch and 2) They’re nice reminders that you’re behind me in whatever I do – which is so nice when I feel like I’m climbing up a very slippery slope.
  5. Work alongside me. No one has tried this one. But if you have to write a paper or are studying, I think you should call me. And sit with me while I shift uncomfortably in my chair, tap my teeth with my pen (apparently this is weird habit I have when trying to concentrate), huff and puff, open and close web browsers, shuffle papers, and grumble about my hatred for FIN 48 before I settle down and write a paragraph or two. If you love a challenge, this suggestion is for you!

Thanks for reading. I know that the next time you feel inclined to bring up that which should not be named, you’ll do the right thing.

“Brand New Key” Melanie Safka – This song bears no relevance. At all. But I forgot how much I like it until just now.

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