megdanielle

I have had the most unbalanced life lately, though I can’t possibly complain. I’ve managed to do most of everything that I’ve wanted to do within the past few months, barring some things which merely require a little foresight to achieve. What a blessing!

When this all started, I was looking for happiness. Well, I’ve found it. I’ve found it in my every day life, in interactions with others, and within myself. I have a phenomenal life. Adding to my joy, I’ve even been able to get along this far following my internship without needing a job. What could be better? Daily fun with few responsibilities. Can life always be like this, please?

Nope.

And who would want it that way?

I was warned that I would get bored without work. Now, I’m entirely convinced that’s not true but even so, I am seeping money from my pours. It’s not terrible; I know that I am okay for a few months and that if need be, I could have a job serving within a day; it’s also not good. On top of that, I really enjoy working to improve myself. Improvements thus far: I’m much more positive, slower to anger, quicker to jump in; I’ve dulled my sharp tongue; my room is clean. They’re little things and they all came about from taking baby steps toward my goals, from focusing on my daily activities (the now) rather than some intimidating future goal. It works.

So it’s time to really put some work into my next improvements; they fall within the realms of commitment and obligation. I am terrible with commitment. That might seem like a ridiculous statement following nearly two and six-year relationships, but it’s true. I rarely commit to plans or accept obligations. I hate the feeling of being locked in. It makes me feel like a caged animal and I want to jump around wildly looking for an escape. In fact, I often do escape. And I run. And sometimes it takes me a while to come back. Sometimes I never do.

I have planned to change my oil ever since I noticed I had crossed over my 3,000 miles. I drive a ’99 Taurus so she needs constant prevention to keep her running as well as she does. Therefore, I am charged with the task of getting an oil change when suggested. After that mile-marker passed, I planned to change it at 4,000 miles. 5,000. 6,000. I finally changed my oil yesterday. It took me a half hour maybe and I spent all of my time talking to my dad on the phone so it didn’t even bother me (although I’m generally not rushed in life anyway so I doubt I would’ve been annoyed otherwise). A half hour of my day and a swipe of the credit card. Why did I wait so long?

I got a parking ticket the other week. I hate parking tickets. I don’t like being charged $20 for expired meters and I hate feeling obligated to pay for such a stupid law. So I let my 10 days lapse and it doubled to $40. I paid it two days ago. $43 (You can do it online for a $3 transaction fee). It was so easy to pay it and could’ve been half the price, so why did I wait so long?

My paper still isn’t done. It was due in April. I know exactly what to do to get it done but I can’t seem to commit to finishing it. I even have 7.5 pages completed, an outline and plan for the rest of the paper, and the number of pages reduced to around 15. Why am I waiting so long?

Side note: A confession: I have some really dumb pet peeves.

I hate when someone texts me or leaves a voice message telling me to call them back. I do it too, I just don’t like having it done to me. I feel like I’m being told what to do and that rubs me the wrong way. Really? Yes, really. I can’t explain it but it has to do with my dislike of feeling obligated.

When did this begin practicing avoidance in my life???

I also don’t like answering my phone if I don’t feel like it. It is the perfect example of my commitment and obligation phobia because I don’t want to answer the phone and be talked into committing to any plans and I don’t like the obligation of having to talk to someone just because they call. It’s a terrible flaw of mine. I need to work on it and I’ve already begun but I’m not there yet. I’m taking baby steps.