Mean Machine.

It’s frustrating, but I can be. Mean, that is. It’s something I really dislike about myself.

I went through a period when I thought that being tough or mean was a positive attribute. I think it grew from being sassy. I was encouraged by people’s laughter perhaps; I couldn’t say for sure. Anyway, this spanned some of high school and college, but I’ve learned that being rude is just plain rude. Now here’s the problem: I still resort to being mean in particular situations. For instance, I don’t want to be involved in a situation, but I can’t figure out how to get out of it. I’m rude in the hopes that I won’t be asked into the situation again. Or maybe I’ve told someone time and again that I don’t like when _____, and they keep doing it. I get mean. Or – and this is the worst – one of these two scenarios has happened a few times with someone so I start gradually getting meaner in everyday interaction with the hopes that a person will notice the not so subtle hints I am laying. At the end of any of these scenarios, I’m just plain rude. The person may or may not pick up what I’m putting down, but I walk away from the situation kicking myself for not communicating properly and respectfully.

When did I become so bad at communicating and positive confrontation?

I was always the first person to jump for confrontation in a negative sense when I was younger, but what happened to developing positive confrontational skills? I need to learn to deliver hard news to people whom I don’t want to deliver hard news to. I avoid. And if pushed, I get mean. In my head, I’ve justified it by telling myself that the person should’ve picked up on my avoidance. It’s an immature way to deal with difficult situations and I’m getting fed up with myself. I’m sure the people with whom I’ve employed this tactic are fed up as well.

Just another growth point in my quest to be the woman I want to be. I guess I can be proud of myself for identifying this flaw and resolving to work through it. I’m not perfect. I will never be. But I can challenge myself to grow at every point in my life and improve. And hopefully I can get a handle on this meanness issue now. Stop burning bridges. Stop putting myself in situations where bridges need to be burned.

Next step in the life of Meg: Learn to break hard news upfront with respect, kindness, and positive communication.

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