Momnesia

Momnesia – the evolutionary loss of memory that occurs in women following each term of pregnancy, allowing them to reproduce more than once

Momnesia is a beautiful thing in terms of reproduction. The vague memory of the first trimester, the third trimester, and the birth experience often leads to a mother proclaiming that she would go through it all again in a heartbeat. And I, as a second child, owe my life to momnesia. Without it, I can honestly say that my parents would’ve figured out how to avoid 9 months of hormones, nausea, aches, weight gain, profuse sweating, and so much worse.

When it comes to giving advice, however, nothing is more infuriating to a pregnant woman than a woman with momnesia. Momnesia even ranks higher than when random men insist on discussing a pregnant woman’s plans to breastfeed. I’m sorry, we just met. I don’t mean to be rude, but may I get your name before we launch into your inquisition and demands regarding my breasts?

Momnesia is so much worse than first time meet and greets turning to areola and latch techniques. Why? Because moms should know better…

The next time a seasoned mom tells me to sleep before the baby comes, I might just punch her in the baby-makers. Look, mom… it’s great that you’ve forgotten what being 9 months pregnant feels like, but let me refresh your memory: Your hips ache. They ache so bad they wake you up every 3 hour hours so you can switch sides – a maneuver that used to be fluid but now takes you at least three tries to complete due to your ever-growing belly. That wouldn’t be so bad if you weren’t waking up every two hours to use the restroom and at least once a night with heartburn. Why don’t they just make bigger TUMS so I don’t have to take two every time?

And don’t get me started on that beloved body pillow that kept you alive in the first two seasons of pregnancy… It now strangles you and attempts to throw you overboard every time you leave the bed. Yet despite its attempts to plant you on your face, you need it. It keeps that the three hour turn at three hours so you’re not waking up every 30 minutes to flip.

Speaking of the body pillow, now might be an appropriate time to remind seasoned moms that in your third trimester, you get a glorious glimpse of menopause. Didn’t think you could sweat through a pillow? You can now. Don’t bother changing the sheets during the night because every time you wake up, your side of the bed will be drenched in pregnancy-hormone-driven sweat. Brrrr…isn’t it frigid climbing back into a soggy bed time after time?

If it’s not sleep, it’s comments about extra time or alone time with the husband.

Let me see… I’m exhausted because I can’t sleep at night. I’m still working despite the fact that I am two days away from my delivery date. I can’t drink. I don’t have room in my belly or budget to go out to a nice meal. I would miss 60% of any movie I had in mind to watch that didn’t have a pause button and a bathroom near by. People give me a look of terror or pity when I go out among the masses. My evening walks are focused solely on inducing labor. And none of my clothes my fit. What exactly do you expect me to do?

I think that moms suffering from momnesia picture their lives pre-pregnancy rather than pre-child and give their advice from that perspective. They’re well meaning and they truly want to build you up, but when they think about life before kids, they think about life when their children were just a glimmer of hope in their eyes. They certainly don’t think of an 8 lb. toddler (seriously, how big is this kid?!) managing to kick you in the rib cage while aggressively head-butting your bladder. They don’t think of carrying a child practically between your knees for weeks as “She’s so low!” and “You’ll definitely have her early.” turns into “I can’t believe she’s not here yet!” and “What is she waiting for?!?”

I don’t really know the answer to that… I can only guess she’s waiting for that good night’s sleep and a hot date between her mom and dad before she graces us with her presence.

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