What about our marriages?

Can I be honest?

I mean completely, nakedly honest?

I think we need to talk about something. Something that has fallen between the cracks as the march against Mommy Wars and the parade of BuzzFeed truths has taken over our lives as new moms.

I’ve been keeping my ear to the ground lately, searching for rumblings that this heaviness on my heart is a common thread among us, even if it’s just a few. It’s hard to pick out, but I think it’s there – that quiet hum of fearful acknowledgement.

Can we talk about our marriages?

When I pictured becoming a parent, I pictured long nights. Stressful cries. Loads of laundry and dirty diapers. An isolation of sorts, or was it superiority, over becoming “mom” – the one who nourishes in a way that no one else can. I pictured myself in a role that only I could fill, but in the same way, I also pictured my husband right by my side. I pictured us as this daring duo of exhaustion and love. Tired smiles shared across the room. My hands-on hubby and me.

Us against the world.

But “us against the world” easily becomes “us against each other.” It happens when it’s not my turn to get up in the night and there’s no way I’m doing any favors. Or when he expected that I’d do X while he was doing Y. Or when I realize that I’m not even sure how to press the reset button anymore… because it used to be at that corner table at that delicious restaurant over a bottle of red and a few hours of shared plates and laughs but it moved… and I’m not sure exactly where it is right now but I know that it’s not there because hours away from home and a fat bill at the end of the night just doesn’t sound right.

I’ve started reaching out over the past few weeks. Tentatively searching for some sort of sanctuary among friends. For accountability, having spoken a fear out loud and been challenged to conquer it.

I worry about my marriage.

I worry that we’re losing sight of our friendship as we focus so singularly on our beautiful daughter. We made an honest vow that we would not put her above our relationship. God first. Spouse second. Children third. It was honest not because we’ve honored it but because we meant it with such earnest belief that it could be done.

I’ve read article after article about the things they should’ve warned me about before having a baby but feel as though I’m suddenly met with this echoing abyss when I ask about our marriages. Are our marriages okay? Will we begin to perform this double juggling act by muscle memory? And how do I push reset when our favorite places don’t hold the same appeal?

Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s one of those off-days in marriage that can be fixed with an overpriced bottle of wine. I don’t have one definitive answer except to say that I’ve been praying for my marriage. And so has Freddy. And we’ve been asking our small groups to do the same. And some of our friends. Because I think our marriages are worth it. They’re worth giving over to God and asking that he would make his presence known in our lives and use this period of new parenthood to strengthen the bond that he himself has blessed.

New moms, I pray that God would use our marriages as a testimony of faith. Use our marriages to bless others. And I hope that even if you haven’t experienced any stress in your marriage – in that husband and wife portion of your life – I hope that you can join me in my prayer or say one for me and mine.

I’d love to do the same for you.

7 responses to “What about our marriages?”

  1. I will definitely say a prayer for you! Me and my husband’s worst times were when we had a newborn! I remember thinking g but we just had a baby and now I’m going to be a single mom! We never said we would divorce but the stress of having g kids sure made it feel like we were heading in that direction. Hang in there. Keep praying and know that it will get better!

    1. Thank you, April! It’s nice to hear we’re not alone!

  2. I will pray for you and Freddy, and sweet Emma. It’s hard, and I have only been married for seven months. Ken and I chose to live in separate households our first year of marriage. Ken has full custody of two sons from his previous marriage, both of whom I adore. They were in school when we had Harrison and we didn’t find our house by then so we continued to live in our current arrangement, I live with my mother whom is recovering from cancer and his who is in her seventies. We hope to start our home after they get out of school this spring. It’s hard to raise a son on your own for five days of the seven. Ken comes over on the weekends when the boys go to their mother’s … it’s hard going to work after you’ve been up and down the past ten hours while you assume your husband is in his own bed 20 miles away so restful. .. you become bitter and cross that you think you go through it alone. But then he comes and is the super dad. Still we made the same vow… God first, spouse second, children third. It’s the little things that remind you of the promise, why you decided to have children. I have never put more faith in Him in my life than I have with our marriage, I have given Him the reigns to guide ken and I to a stronger marriage. And I’ve seen the appreciation from Ken and the amazement in his eyes that I’ve have handled the 50+hours a week at my work and the other 12 hours a day at my mommy job. We both share out two days a week in bed talking about what we need to do to make our marriage stronger , to help each other and get through this hurdle. “This too shall pass” is our married life motto. Communication is the key, but beyond that is active listening. The occasional date night doesn’t hurt either. Stay strong, sister. Prayers are en route. Litp

    1. I had no idea that you were taking on so much in your first year of marriage! I will certainly be praying for your family – so many transitions wrapped up into one stressful time – does your “honeymoon” period come later??

  3. Prayers for you and your marriage. We all need that extra grace only God can give. Threads us together! Prayers for lots of grace, laughter, and eternal love!

  4. […] few months ago, I asked about our marriages. How are they? How are they holding up under the early months of […]

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