I love him.

Some days, you feel annoyed and stressed about things or tired and ready to take out your frustration on your spouse.
Some days, you have the clarity to see that those things are separate from your beautiful life with your blessing of a husband.
I am so in love.

1/1/11: To Ski or Not to Ski?

Happy new year, my resolute friends! We have officially made it into 2011.

As is often the case on the 1st of January, I have spent today doing nothing of importance to mark the line between 2010 and 2011; the day has simply drifted by silently while the Mitten mourned its poor performing football teams. Well, in truth, I did take vitamins this morning and that is something new. I also took some tonight, because that’s what these particular vitamins call for. And I should admit that in addition to my new vitamin regimen, I have subscribed to a feel trial of ExerciseTV. That might sound extremely lame but I need to jumpstart myself in the exercise department and what better way than to provide myself with access to planned workouts at home? Plus, the actual subscription is only $9.99/month and comes with a complimentary subscription to SHAPE magazine (Score!).

These things might sound like resolutions to you, but they’re not. Well, not New Year’s Resolutions anyway. I’ve simply run out of excuses for putting them off. Following these will be the creation and maintenance of a budget (Gag.). I think I hate this time of year. Even when I don’t want anything to do with jump starting new projects, I find myself doing exactly that. Plus, it’s cold. Also, it’s dark way too early. All of those things make this time of year slightly unappealing to me. Oh – and winter sports.

I’m terrible at winter sports. Or perhaps I’m decent but don’t give myself a chance. Maybe I’m even great but have never practiced. Who knows. Whatever the case, the thought of tackling winter sports makes me ridiculously anxious. That and swimming actually (My parents were advocates of indoor sports, it would seem.). This anxious feeling is probably some remnant of my former perfectionist self; though I’ve eradicated most other forms of that self, this anxiety (read “pride”) remains. The huge downside of being a (former) perfectionist who is pretty decent at indoors sports: I’ve little willpower to fail miserably at an outdoor one.

I had resolved at the beginning of this winter season to once and for all become moderate at snowboarding and get myself off the darn bunny hill. I’m told it’s not a cool place to be. Now, however, I am challenged to take up skiing (I had sworn this off since birth…or more accurately since hearing how one of my aunt’s messed up her leg badly on skis) so that I can survive Colorado in the winter. I was bad enough at committing to snowboarding (I’ve gone a handful of times (if that) and had received lessons once at Spring Hill on a tiny hill many years ago); how am I going to commit to skiing?

This is a no-good challenge for someone who hates to fail and is in a permanent state of freezing. Bollux.

It’s $19 for ski rentals, $100 for three 1-hour lessons ($157), and $28 for lift-tickets (a total of $241 unless the lessons include lift or rentals). I could jump out of a plane again for cheaper than that (just a fun fact I thought I’d throw in there). It seems like a hefty investment for something that I’m already gritting my teeth against. Yet I’m already aware of what a drag it is to be a piss-poor swimmer as an adult when friends start getting boats or going snorkeling, etc…is skiing going to be my new swimming????

It’s failure by avoidance and those situations are so unfair!

What do I do? Bite the bullet and front the cash now so that this doesn’t become a source of anxiety every time someone wants to hit the slopes in the future? Avoid, avoid, avoid and stick to my guns about never skiing or welcoming any activity that involves me being colder than I am during any point in a normal day? I need some advice…and depending on how the responses go, an instructor.

Pour a glass; it's time to un(wine)d.

Tonight, I attempted to burn the midnight oil at work but called it quits around 11:15pm so I could walk out with a coworker. I’m incredibly busy right now and this project that I had previously sunk days into from February has finally come back to me, as was promised – though I hoped I could manage to avoid it. In the past two days, I have logged 6.75 hours into this one project and in the end, I walked out today with nothing more than an empty recycle bin on my desktop.

It’s ridiculous to admit, but tears welled up in my eyes as I entered my time tonight. I have 51 assignments in my “work in process” bin right now and those are only the ones for which I have bothered to route myself the workflow; there are more on my desk or buried in my e-mail inbox – no exaggeration.

There’s a lesson to be learned in this. What it is – I couldn’t say for certain but lessons are always discovered in times of frustration. Here’s what I think it might be: I have an amazing foundation of friends.

Yes – in the face of work, budgets, time restraints, assignments, deadlines, and impossible projects, this is my conclusion. I’m blessed. Little texts or phone calls or even songs on the radio remind me that I’ve got a great support system. I don’t think I’ve ever been so aware of it before as I have been during these past few months. My friends are always in my thoughts and prayers and although I often find myself too busy to make that phone call or drive out, they always seem to find ways to check in with me.

In closing, I’ve gotta share this prayer my mom gave me from the church services she attended this past Sunday. I feel like perhaps God had a way of ensuring it would get into my hands:

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

Btw, I can type a ridiculous amount of words per minute. Chalk one up to the internship!

“How Far Do You Wanna Go” Gloriana