It’s an appalling thing to say, I suppose. We’re supposed to feel like our husbands are our best friends. Everyone wants to gush that they’ve married their best friend; we’re trained to look for it, to feel it, to proclaim it at every chance we get!
That’s why I would like to say, here and now, that my husband is not my best friend.
Perhaps this admission prompts you to think one of the following three things: 1. You’ve told me he’s your best friend; you’re lying. 2. Why would you marry someone who you don’t feel is your best friend? 3. You two are totally best friends; why deny it?
Let me address these points:
1. I know! I have said it! I feel compelled to say it. I want to gush to you how great he is / our marriage is and I’ve been trained to think that the best way to summarize that is “He’s my best friend!” But when the words are leaving my lips, they sound a little bit funny to me. He’s not my best friend!
2. Let’s think about this: Your best friend is the person with whom you gossip. Your best friend is the person with whom you share all of your fun memories and the person you call when you’ve had a bad day and need to vent. Your best friend is the person that you take a break from when you spend too much time together because you know that’s all you need to get back on track. Or the person you can go weeks without seeing without affecting your friendship. Your best friend is the person that you laugh with about your faults, but from whom you keep your skeletons – the person that you show your anger but not your pain. Your best friend is the person with faults that you love anyway, but whom you do not seek to change – the person you accept as is.
3. I hope this summarizes it for you – and I’m sure you’ve seen this coming: My husband is so much more than my best friend that it seems wrong to call him that.
We use “best friend” to validate our relationship with our spouses. To show others that we’re really in love. Because best friends have the ultimate bond, right? They’re there through thick and thin.
But we’ve got it backwards!
Fred and I don’t need to validate our marriage by assigning a different title to it! He is my husband. My partner. My confidante. He’s the man who sees me at my greatest but also holds me in my darkest moments. He sees my skeletons. Sometimes, he makes me face them. And he doesn’t get a break from me. And he accepts me, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t allowed to challenge me to be a better version of myself. We also hate to go days without seeing each other, let alone weeks. And I plan my future with him – not just my coffee dates or cocktails. I’d change my future for him if he needed me to do so.
So you see, my husband is definitely not my best friend. And your husband probably isn’t your best friend either, if you’re being honest with me.
Please help me bite my tongue when I feel compelled to tell you that Freddy is my best friend. Remind me that he’s my husband. Period. My amazing, supportive, strong, respectful, sexy, talented and God-fearing husband!
Sound good? I think so too 🙂